Maybe it’s a little early to get into the Christmas stuff, but I was asked at a neighbor gathering last night how it was that I was able to not give a single Christmas gift or card last year. (It was wonderful, by the way. It was my first full-on boycott, and I loved it.) That question got me thinking as to what I would do this year – if I could get away with it again. I’m not sure the family would allow it. Which led me to muse about how youngsters must think about Christmas – how confusing it must be to get all of the associated mythologies, rituals and religious beliefs straight,… but I repeat myself.
I began to imagine what I would respond if I were asked by a young nephew, “Uncle Todd, what is Christmas about?”
“Well, Nephew, you see, Christmas is the time when Jesus comes in his Flying Manger pulled by all of the Magic Manger Animals through the sky, led by the Red-Nosed Sheep in order to deliver gifts to all of the baptized children – the ones that aren’t expected to go to Hell. Christmas Jesus also expects everyone to give gifts and cards to all of their family, co-workers, neighbors and trash collectors. He also demands a never-ending stream of ‘Merry Christmas’es to every stranger anyone comes across for at least a 6-week period. Doing these things is mandatory in order to purge your mortal sins – similar to buying Indulgences,… but that’s a lesson for when you’re older.
“If you don’t do the high-stress Christmas shopping and run up the credit card debt and give the gifts and say the expected phrases and gather around an environmentally-friendly tree replica and sing songs of mythical lore, you will be visited by the True Spirit of Christmas, which is a tall, dark, ghastly phantom that hides under your bed at night. He scoops up grumpy little non-participative children on Christmas Eve with his long sickle and takes them to live forever and ever, deep in the Earth with the Red, Barb-Tailed, Cloven-Hoofed Devil where they roast marshmallows and chestnuts on an open fire… which isn’t too bad of an alternative,.. and definitely my personal preference to getting Christmased.”
“Now, young Nephew, did I ever tell you the story about the Immaculately-Conceived Easter Bunny? You can refer to him as ICEB, for short….”
I love my nephews and nieces, but I’m thinking that this may serve a second purpose of cutting down on any babysitting requests.